I am not overly fond of the term primary because I feel it sets up an implied power imbalance--but whether we say primary partner, or anchor partner, nesting partner, or wife (We can argue semantics until the proverbial cows come home. I work in academia--which means even the
arrival of bovine housemates might not stop the debate), the reality is that I am the person married to a man whom other women date/fuck/full in mutual love with.

You might think this is a position of power, but in many ways it is not--at least not the way we practice polyamory. We do not do veto power, and we do not place one person’s needs above another’s--each day, each situation, each desire from any involved parties is approached as
part of a larger picture and acted on accordingly with each person’s preferences and unique style and rhythms taken into account. My default position is “I want everyone in the relationship to be happy, myself included, so let’s work to make that happen.” Of course, that isn’t always possible--but I find that if I have this as my goal, decisions about what could/should/must be done become much easier.

Aside from striving for this happiness, I try very hard not to interfere with his relationships--so I do not have the power to tell him not to see someone, to stomp my foot and demand that my wants take precedence over their needs, or to treat his partners badly--because that does not fit in with the above prime directive. This other woman and I are orbiting the same man, and things I do may affect her relationship with him, and so I strive always to be conscious of
this--which sometimes means I don’t have the power to just openly and honestly tell someone that I think they are being a bit of an asshole.

Yes, yes, I know--it is all about open and honest communication, but sometimes that honesty has to be weighed against possible damage--and though I am always open and honest with him with both positive and negative feedback, it isn’t necessarily my business to step in the
middle of his other relationships.

So, I also do not have the power to keep someone from breaking his heart. I lack the power to grab him and hold him and get him far away from the pain I see coming long before he does.

But I do have some power. I have the power to be a safe place for him to land if this happens. I have the power to take care of myself and make sure that my needs are also being met so that we can move forward. And I have the power to continually open up my relationship, and myself, to this unpredictability because this is the style of love I believe in and the kind of marriage I want.